Three Useful Secrets: On Perfectionism as Self-Sabotage
Plus an Invitation to an Imperfectly Delightful Evening in Paris
Last month I introduced a new feature here — Three Useful Secrets — and I’m back with the second instalment. At the end of each month I’ll be sharing a short bundle of three things that I came across recently and which have sparked ideas that I feel my readers could also benefit from.
Some of these “secrets” may already be familiar to you, while others might be new discoveries — but all are worth revisiting. My hope is that they make your lives a little easier or at least make you stop and consider what if you did things a bit differently.
This month’s theme: Perfectionism as Self-Sabotage
Secret #1: Perfectionism is a sneaky form of self-sabotage
Have you ever told yourself something like: “I didn’t spend much time on this, as it was all very last minute, so of course it wasn’t my best, no wonder, I didn’t get chosen/praised”? That’s perfectionism in disguise. We think we’re protecting ourselves from judgment, but in reality we’re lowering the bar before anyone else can, so we avoid the pain of criticism or rejection.
On recent episode of the brilliant podcast Hidden brain — hosted by
— researcher Thomas Curran said1:“When things start to go wrong, perfectionists do something really, really interesting. They withhold their effort in order to save face, to kind of preserve their image and their sense of self. […] One of the most illuminating experiments was when a colleague of mine, Andrew Hill, gave people a cycling task. Everybody worked really hard to meet the goal, and at the end he told them — no matter how well they did — that they failed.
Now what’s really interesting is that after telling people they failed, he asked them to do it again. […] People who didn’t have a great deal of perfectionism on that second attempt didn’t really change the amount of effort they put in. If anything, it went up slightly. But the people who scored high in perfectionism did exactly the exact opposite. They withheld their effort on the second attempt because the thinking in their mind is, you can’t fail at something you didn’t try.”
And here’s the paradox:
“They really are so intensely fearful of that failure that when it looks like it’s going to be a likely outcome, then they take themselves away from those situations. […] That’s incredibly self-sabotaging. It doesn’t just look like complete withdrawal, by the way. It can also come in the form of procrastination. […] All of those things are not at all conducive to performance.”
I have definitely found myself in those situations, submitting a last minute paper in grad school, a poorly edited work report, a sloppy job application that I didn’t proofread, while my saboteur voices were saying, “you won’t be the best, so best not to put too much effort into this task.” Listening to this episode I had a number of lightbulb moments that I feel could resonate with others aswell.
Listen here: [Hidden Brain episode link]
Secret #2: Oliver Burkeman on embracing limits
For an antidote to perfectionism,
is one of my go-tos. His newsletter, The Imperfectionist, offers short, sharp reminders that life isn’t a productivity contest and that we’re allowed to be imperfect.And if you want to go deeper, his bestselling book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals reframes our relationship with time itself. The average human lifespan is about 4,000 weeks — not nearly enough to do everything. Instead of fighting that fact, Burkeman invites us to accept our limits and focus on what truly matters.
Read the newsletter: The Imperfections]
Find the book: Four Thousand Weeks
Secret #3: A trifecta of tools to outsmart perfectionism
Research and wise voices are helpful, but sometimes you just need something practical to do when perfectionism strikes. Here are three simple tools to try:
The 80% Rule
Aim for 80% done instead of 100%. Progress beats paralysis. This principle shows up in coaching and even wellness practices like Japan’s hara hachi bu (eating until 80% full). It’s a reminder that “done” is better than “perfect.” [Interestingly, when it comes to eating, a full stomach message reaches the brain significantly later than the last bite is swallowed, with a delay of about 20 minutes due to the time it takes for hormones to travel and nerves to transmit signals about stomach fullness.]
Good / Better / Best
Define what “good enough” looks like, and stop there. This framework comes originally from instructional design and education, where teachers break down tasks into levels of mastery.
The Two-Minute Imperfect Start
Begin badly, but begin. Momentum matters more than polish. This idea is most closely associated with James Clear’s Atomic Habits (2018). He calls it the Two-Minute Rule: scale any new habit down so it takes just two minutes (e.g., instead of “go for a run,” do “put on your running shoes”).
And if you’d like even more ideas, I wrote earlier this year about accountability and goal struggles in Cheese, Social Media, and Morning Pages — with a couple of practices that pair nicely with these.
Wrapping up
That’s it for this month’s three secrets. I hope at least one of the secrets gives you a fresh perspective, a resource to explore, or a tool you can put into practice right away.
And speaking of putting things into practice: if you happen to be in Paris on October 9th, I’m co-hosting a women’s-only soirée — a charming, and possibly imperfect, evening of conversation and connection. You don’t need perfect French or perfect English to offer this gift to yourself (and men, you could always gift it to the women in your lives). Neither my English nor my French are perfect, and yet I’m delighted to be one of the hosts. Check it out and register here.
If you missed it earlier this month, you can also watch the recording of my Substack Live session on Assumptions — a playful, thought-provoking conversation that pairs nicely with today’s theme.
If you enjoyed this post, please press like, restack, or share it with a friend who might need a gentle nudge away from perfectionism today. And if you’d like to support my work, you can upgrade to the paid version of this newsletter.
Until next time,
Liza
I slightly edited the transcript from the original while trying to make sure the content has not been changed.
Just a short comment to say how much of an Oliver Burkeman fan I am, have been for years, and if you haven't already, I highly recommend The Antidote - it's still my favourite of his books. I'd even recommend Help! his first book, which is a collection of some of his columns.
Such a good post, thank you. I think many of us tend to engage in perfectionist thinking in part because we are surrounded by messages that encourage it. It's nice to be reminded that perfectionism isn't real life.