3 Useful Secrets - July Edition
Meaningful conversations, self-care and choosing yourself
In the last month, I have read number of interesting books, listened to a dozen great podcast interviews, done a lot of sketching and thought about writing (but not written much). But as I sat down to write this month’s useful secrets post, I was, despite a number of great ideas, struggling to put it all together. I was even going to ask AI if it can see a connection between the things I wanted to write about, and as I was writing my question, I had an AHA moment where I realised, oh, I see the connections. So, no need to resort to AI, though if you’re interested in a deep dive on AI and three related secrets/topics I explored in the last month’s issue of the 3 Useful Secrets series, have a look here:
3 Useful Secrets - June Edition
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Before I dive into July’s 3 Useful Secrets, I want to make sure I celebrate the fact that this is the twelfth issue of this series of posts. When I started in August 2025, I hoped to keep it going for at least a year, but didn’t believe I would make it, because I struggle with consistency on this platform and have a tendency to procrastinate and give up when things get hard. Yet, announcing this as a regular feature did the trick that I, as an obliger, need. Obliger tendency in habit formation is one where you need outer accountability to keep going. (You can find more on this here, Gretchen Rubin is the expert on this topic). So, yeay me!!! I did it, I kept going for a year and it has been great. I hope you’ve enjoyed it too and would like me to keep doing these posts. If you enjoy them, please press a like button, write a comment and share the posts. One way of letting me know that you like my writing is by becoming a paid subscriber to my Substack - at the price of 35 euros per year if you choose the Annual subscription, this comes to less than one euro per secret. A bargain, if I say so myself.
Anyway, you’re probably thinking, enough with the sales pitch! I hear you, but as a self employed coach and writer, I need to bang my own drum and blow my own trumpet, neither of which comes naturally to me.
Here are this month’s three useful secrets that focus on the intersection of being kind to your nervous system by having meaningful conversations with strangers/acquaintances, investing in self care and choosing yourself instead of waiting to be chosen (including taking yourself on a solo trip, something I am rather good at).
Secret no. 1: Ditch the small talk and have a meaningful conversation instead
How often do you find yourself answering the question How are you? with a perfunctory: I am fine, when you are not fine, but the more complex answer seems scary or too vulnerable to say outloud. When talking about the weather, or traffic you’ve encountered on the way to the party, with someone you’ve just met, would you rather have the ground beneath you open and swallow you, because the conversation is so boring and vapid?
In a recent episode of The Happiness Lab (a podcast I often cite) Dr. Laurie Santos talks to experts on deep conversations and people who practice such conversations to reduce their anxiety around social gatherings. It is a great and inspiring conversation with some practical tips on how to do this. I will definitely be putting this into practice next time I find myself at a party with people I don’t know well (yikes, I am going to one tonight).
Secret no. 2: How telling yourself that you are there for yourself improves your well-being
There is research that shows that talking to yourself —with kindness and compassion in 2nd person, using either your name, or just 2nd person pronoun — is beneficial to your mental well being. It is called distanced self talk1. Furthermore, practicing self-compassion, as taught by Dr. Kristin Neff who has recently joined Substack, can result in lower anxiety and depression, greater resilience, healthier motivation, better emotional coping.
But sometimes this seems harder to do, especially if we find ourselves deep down the rabbit hole of negative self-talk. So having a resource that can support you is key. I recently struggled with some difficult things in my life and knew I needed support, so I turned to Insight timer, a (free) app I have on my phone that I use to help me fall asleep when my mind is too busy and too loud. I regularly use NSDR (non sleep deep rest) guided meditation and find it super useful. This time, I opted for something else. A short guided meditation called: Self-Love Dialogue: 15 minute guide to Inner Peace by Sarah Blondin. I have to say, I was rather blown away by the power of two simple sentences: I love you. I am listening. I have been going back to the recording over and over again, and have even found myself saying those words in my mind when out and about, whenever I am overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness or any other difficult emotion.
3. Secret no. 3 Choose yourself and remember you are the special occasion you’ve been waiting for.
One thing that I’ve learned in coaching work is that perspective matters. For decades, wait, no, for centuries, women have been told that they need to be chosen by a man, and have spent their time waiting for a man to propose marriage, to take them out for a meal or a movie, to take them on holidays etc. Lately however, women have been rewriting the script and becoming the choosers. Tracee Ellis Ross is an example of a powerful woman in her 50s who is single and yet living a full life, while also not shying away from acknowledging that it can be hard to be single in a world that is still designed for couples. She hosts a show called Solo travel, where she offers tips for women who are scared to travel alone. I have never been scared to travel alone, and have found that sometimes it is actually easier, but that yes, it is sometimes also nice to share one’s appreciation for beautiful places with others.
In a conversation with NPR’s Rachel Martin on a podcast called The Wild Card, where guests chose questions cards on deeply personal and vulnerable topics, Ellis Ross and Martin have a deep and truly interesting conversation about how Ellis prioritizes her own needs and engages in self care without losing the connection to fellow humans. This conversation is really as if secret 1 and 2 from this post had a baby. Go listen to it anywhere you listen to your podcasts or watch the recording on the You tube link below. I bet you’ll find lots of useful insights.
This is all for this month’s 3 Useful Secrets. I hope you’ve enjoyed them and if you did, please press a like, comment, re-stack, forward to a friend and if you can, do become a paid subscriber.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24467424/
I hear what you're saying about small talk v deep and meaningful conversation, but what I really miss about not working face-to-face as a teacher more regularly is those bits of banter and small talk in between classes. Not so much about the weather, but little snippets into each other's lives, whether it's complaining about a student, discussing the football match the night before, griping about management (in an amusing way), sharing a funny encounter on public transport, etc.
I first noticed this during the Covid pandemic when we were suddenly all at home for months.
Well-titled; these are useful! I think the gulf between small talk and deeper conversations can seem too large to many people. I try to think of it as small talk +1 as in, it’s just one question beyond a regular small talk. Instead of stopping at ‘where are you from?’ I try to also ask if they like going home or if they get home often. It seems to ease open doors for more enriching exchanges.