I'm like you, terrible at asking for help. I feel bad for troubling people, I don't want to be a nuisance or a pain. Part of this is related to me also being bad at offering help - if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I don't mind helping for minor things, but if someone asks me to do something that I feel is unnecessary or not the best use of my time, I resent that. So to be fair and consistent, I am reluctant to ask for help in most cases. Sometimes people call me stubborn, my in-laws tell me off, but I suppose if I desperately needed help, I would ask (like if it was something related to my daughter, then definitely).
I really should clarify though - when I think of help (offering/asking), I'm thinking of different categories of help and the demands put upon me, and this might be hard to explain. One example - someone might ask for help proofreading a translation and I don't mind helping at all. But when they say it's urgent and are demanding and I tell them I can't do it immediately and need some time and they get a bit pissy with me...that's when I feel resentful. It's the baggage/expectations that come with it sometimes, and in failing to ask for help, I don't want to be a pain.
If a friend comes to me for advice or emotional support, I am more than happy to offer it and will do so asap. Perhaps I need to come up with different rankings of help?
Here's what frustrates me - in all my years teaching, I was seen as a very supportive, helpful, trustworthy colleague. I was always happy to offer my help when it came to workplace support, guidance, advice, problems, trouble-shooting. And plenty of people were thankful. But I also used to get students asking for help, well after the time they were my students and with complex, time-consuming tasks. And maybe it's a cultural (Ukrainian?) thing, as some people have suggested, but so often I never even got an acknowledgement or a note of simple 'thanks.' There was often nothing. And in many cases, some of these students weren't even good, hard-working ones that I knew very well. It was like 'I need your help!' and then not a word of appreciation. Maybe I'm insecure and needy, but is a simple 'thank you' so difficult?
That's what frustrated me as well when it came to selling my book - all these former students making promises, offering to help with my book and then...silence. In almost all cases, I wasn't asking for help - their offers were unsolicited.
Sorry for the rant. This kind of triggers me I guess!
Good to rant. It's upsetting when people you trust, love, consider friends, let you down. Sadly it happens a lot. I can get trigger-happy on this subject too. I wrote about it in a post a few weeks ago "The Day Tinkerbell Died" - and I probably got crossed off one certain person's list forever and ever!
I'm the same -- asking for help is hard. But in some ways, it's rational. As you mentioned, when we ask for help, sometimes people's response gives us more work than we had before asking for help.
For example, I walked into a hardware store looking to buy a nut. The "helpful" gentleman not only found me the correct size but screwed it onto the bolt on my bike with a wrench -- without asking me if I wanted him to. Only later did I realize he screwed it on too tight, and now my bike doesn't function properly.
So in these instances (which are quite common), it makes sense _not_ to ask for help.
We need to normalize asking permission to execute whatever "helpful" idea one has rather than seeing the recipient as having control issues.
People who offer unsolicited help and insist that you take it, even though it is not what you need, are a bit of a pest - so in such circumstance wanting to control the outcome is important and not something I’d judge. But sometimes I know I could let my guard down and allows others to help.
Great post, Liza. It made me smile while I was reading it. The maze story is so telling. I can relate. I've thought about this 'problem' a lot. One explanation I came up with a long time ago was my rebellion against patriarchal norms. In the society where I grew up, there was a clear distinction between male and female tasks/jobs/interests. Being self-sufficient meant I was never going to be a 'damsel in distress' and ask for or expect help from a man. Then it just stuck. The other point is that moving often means that you aren't surrounded by people who know you so well that they can read your mind. I see that difference now after spending a couple of years at a place where I have only a few new friends. I sometimes do ask for help and don't take rejection personally but what's missing is the give-and-take of a long friendship.
Thank you for your insightful comment, Amela. I agree about not wanting to be the damsel in distress. But what sometimes happened also was that I would ask a man for help, and the help they offered was really not all that helpful...
Such a great post, Liza, and helpful on many levels: 1) knowing I’m not alone in a reluctance to ask for help —also a codependent history behind that; 2) the reminder that people feel special when you ask them for help & they’re able to give it. 3) THIS!yes! “One of the things I’ve decided to practice in 2026 is letting go of control and allowing others to take care of me.” I get on my yoga mat every day and roll on a softball sized ball in my butt cheeks, the fascia/muscles where we hold control, my yoga therapist tells me. It’s not called ‘being a tight ass’ for nothing! And finally 4) thank you for introducing me to watsu. Will see if it’s offered in Barcelona.
Thank you for reading, Amy. What is the middle ground where we can have a fabulous tight ass but not be a tight ass? If your yoga teacher knows, I want in on the secret.
I always have been the one that shows up to extinguish fires, but never the one to ask for help. That’s been a new thing for me too. Thank you for shedding light on the subject of bringing our guard down, trusting, and allowing help in.
Thats a good one Liza, I think asking for help is hard for most people. Especially as we grow. The fear of rejection and disappointment is massive.
I have always helped more than I have asked for. I have held more than being held myself. When I was learning swimming in open water , My trainer said a great thing - Trust issues comes naturally to humans, but when you know what is the kind of help you need and you express exactly , let the right person help you.
That little pep talk in letting him help me I went from a non swimmer at 31 to Triathlon swimmer in open water by 32.
Its a longer arc and I still struggle, but i have learned to raise the hands in a maze a bit betyer. I know you will too.
Beautifully written. I think most people connected to this.
Thank you for sharing your story Liza. Can you imagine the people watching you struggle with no vision within a maze, seeing you time and again wanting more information but refusing to ask for help. That’s an image I’ll keep in mind for myself.
I think this is, sadly, very common. Especially among women. We’re raised to take care of everybody else coming to anticipate everyone else’s needs, and to feel “less than“ if we need help. For me, the biggest change was a life altering, challenging my life where I wound up being diagnosed with five different autoimmune disorders, and it was physically and mentally brought to my awareness that I simply could not do everything on my own anymore, and that I needed help in order to survive. Fortunately, I eventually recovered, shifted my life path, and became The Ingredient Guru, helping others with chronic health issues find holistic solutions. I’m sad that it took such a challenging situation for that awareness to develop. I am also grateful that awareness eventually developed.
Thank you for sharing about watsu. I had not heard of that. It sounds very interesting. There’s a float tank in our area and I wonder if they have any practitioners who offer that, I would be interested in trying it.
I am glad you’ve been able to learn how to ask for help, Mira and sorry it came with such a high price of illness.
On the watsu, unlike the floating tanks you experience by yourself (if I am correct), the watsu type aqua therapy is about trusting someone else to hold you in a way that is safe.
Love this Liza! As you know the tendency for many of us is to go it alone and because we don’t want to bother other people. But as you write, people are often happy to help Thank you for this reminder!
I’m so bad at asking for help !! I never do !! For 2 reasons , firstly, I don’t want to put anyone out ! Everyone I know is busy with their own lives/ families/ worries and stresses, I don’t want to impose on anyone. Secondly, I think they should offer , they know I’m a single bloody mum and have a hard stressful life for various reasons, (if they are good mates, they know my struggles) Ha! So I get angry ! On the odd occasion someone says to me , don’t forget to let me know if you need anything, I still never ask. ☹️
My mum offers help all the time, even when I don't need/want it (like a true high functioning co-dependent that she is). But I think we shouldn't expect people to offer...we need to be clear about what we want.
I am also not good at asking for help. And when I tried to learn this skill in my 30s I felt a lot of people around me pulled away. I think because I was the strong one in their minds and when I needed something it threatened an earlier social balance or power dynamic. I have noticed the friends who stick around are the ones I can ask help from. Interesting learning Lisa!
That resonates a lot Catriona, I think when people perceive us as strong and independent, they don't think we really mean it when we finally ask for help. Kind of a catch 22.
I don’t think that would work in the scenarios I was in, as most people I asked were very ill at ease with offering support and quick to offload or push back on requests.
I've had watsu! They offer it once a week where I live in Spain, and it's wonderful. I emerged feeling like an astronaut afterwards, all space out and floaty. As I said in my restack of the snippet of your post, I'm not the best at asking for help, because I used to be the one who always helped. But since I've become mostly housebound, that has shifted massively. And yet I still try to manage, one way or another, and then collapse exhausted, and/or in a pain loop. I'm trying to get better at asking for help - and thank you @Daniel Puzzo for reaching out the other day about podcasting, because that is also part of the sort of help I'm asking for at the moment.
I'm quite stubborn I suppose, and I probably do expect people to read my mind. Also, I've been burned a few times by people I considered friends who snapped at me when I asked for help, because they knew the old, super fit, equestrian Francesca who could run around all day helping everyone else in freezing cold temperatures, and they don't understand how I can be so handicapped yet look normal.
I hope your migraines stay away. They are horrendous.
I am better at asking for help these days, but still far from good!
The other day I delegated the girls' dental appointments (making them and going) and felt so relieved!
PS: In my case, this is a part of it - my father is the king of asking, he has no filters. As in "I know you have two jobs and three kids, but could you please pick up my camera from the repair shop accross town, the one which closes at 5pm?" (in this case I said no, but that is also a skill I need to practice).
So it is not only that I don't want to risk being disappointed and that I am fiercely independent, it is also that I have a live example of the kind of burdensome person I don't want to be.
I wouldn’t say I’m afraid to ask for help, and it’s not something I approach intentionally or strategically. I have boundaries.
I learned how necessary they are from experience. I’m married to a Portuguese GP, and when his consultation room was once effectively part of our home, it became very clear that without firm boundaries, work and other people’s needs can expand endlessly.
Living rurally in northern Portugal has also made me more independent than I ever was in London. I take responsibility for my choices, and that includes not assuming others should carry them for me.
Some people have very high levels of need, and in those situations boundaries are essential. They are not a lack of compassion. They are what make relationships sustainable and reciprocal rather than exhausting or one-sided.
I have wonderful friends and family whom I trust deeply, and when I genuinely need help, I do ask. But I’m careful about when and how I do so, because asking always involves someone else’s time and emotional energy.
Hi Teresa, interesting points. I do sense you do take pride in not needing help. And that you only ask if you ‘genuinely’ need help. I feel the same, but I notice my interpretation of what is genuine need for help has been rather rigid and sometimes, by asking for help, I allow myself to seem more human to others.
I'm like you, terrible at asking for help. I feel bad for troubling people, I don't want to be a nuisance or a pain. Part of this is related to me also being bad at offering help - if that makes me a bad person, so be it. I don't mind helping for minor things, but if someone asks me to do something that I feel is unnecessary or not the best use of my time, I resent that. So to be fair and consistent, I am reluctant to ask for help in most cases. Sometimes people call me stubborn, my in-laws tell me off, but I suppose if I desperately needed help, I would ask (like if it was something related to my daughter, then definitely).
Do you speak out about feeling resentful, or is it that wonderful form of silent resentment, the most vicious one?
Haha, I think it's the wonderful form!
I really should clarify though - when I think of help (offering/asking), I'm thinking of different categories of help and the demands put upon me, and this might be hard to explain. One example - someone might ask for help proofreading a translation and I don't mind helping at all. But when they say it's urgent and are demanding and I tell them I can't do it immediately and need some time and they get a bit pissy with me...that's when I feel resentful. It's the baggage/expectations that come with it sometimes, and in failing to ask for help, I don't want to be a pain.
If a friend comes to me for advice or emotional support, I am more than happy to offer it and will do so asap. Perhaps I need to come up with different rankings of help?
Here's what frustrates me - in all my years teaching, I was seen as a very supportive, helpful, trustworthy colleague. I was always happy to offer my help when it came to workplace support, guidance, advice, problems, trouble-shooting. And plenty of people were thankful. But I also used to get students asking for help, well after the time they were my students and with complex, time-consuming tasks. And maybe it's a cultural (Ukrainian?) thing, as some people have suggested, but so often I never even got an acknowledgement or a note of simple 'thanks.' There was often nothing. And in many cases, some of these students weren't even good, hard-working ones that I knew very well. It was like 'I need your help!' and then not a word of appreciation. Maybe I'm insecure and needy, but is a simple 'thank you' so difficult?
That's what frustrated me as well when it came to selling my book - all these former students making promises, offering to help with my book and then...silence. In almost all cases, I wasn't asking for help - their offers were unsolicited.
Sorry for the rant. This kind of triggers me I guess!
Rant most welcome. And very interesting. People who offer help and then don't follow up to actually do it, that hurts, for sure.
Good to rant. It's upsetting when people you trust, love, consider friends, let you down. Sadly it happens a lot. I can get trigger-happy on this subject too. I wrote about it in a post a few weeks ago "The Day Tinkerbell Died" - and I probably got crossed off one certain person's list forever and ever!
Silent resentment - the ice-out, daggers in the eyes, inner-snarl. I know this one!
I'm the same -- asking for help is hard. But in some ways, it's rational. As you mentioned, when we ask for help, sometimes people's response gives us more work than we had before asking for help.
For example, I walked into a hardware store looking to buy a nut. The "helpful" gentleman not only found me the correct size but screwed it onto the bolt on my bike with a wrench -- without asking me if I wanted him to. Only later did I realize he screwed it on too tight, and now my bike doesn't function properly.
So in these instances (which are quite common), it makes sense _not_ to ask for help.
We need to normalize asking permission to execute whatever "helpful" idea one has rather than seeing the recipient as having control issues.
People who offer unsolicited help and insist that you take it, even though it is not what you need, are a bit of a pest - so in such circumstance wanting to control the outcome is important and not something I’d judge. But sometimes I know I could let my guard down and allows others to help.
Exactly — and we shouldn’t have to keep our guard up all the time.
I don’t do it unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.
So, an axe in the head and dagger in the chest kind of necessary?
Yup. Or a heavy wardrobe has fallen on top of me kind of necessary.
Yikes.
Great post, Liza. It made me smile while I was reading it. The maze story is so telling. I can relate. I've thought about this 'problem' a lot. One explanation I came up with a long time ago was my rebellion against patriarchal norms. In the society where I grew up, there was a clear distinction between male and female tasks/jobs/interests. Being self-sufficient meant I was never going to be a 'damsel in distress' and ask for or expect help from a man. Then it just stuck. The other point is that moving often means that you aren't surrounded by people who know you so well that they can read your mind. I see that difference now after spending a couple of years at a place where I have only a few new friends. I sometimes do ask for help and don't take rejection personally but what's missing is the give-and-take of a long friendship.
Thank you for your insightful comment, Amela. I agree about not wanting to be the damsel in distress. But what sometimes happened also was that I would ask a man for help, and the help they offered was really not all that helpful...
Such a great post, Liza, and helpful on many levels: 1) knowing I’m not alone in a reluctance to ask for help —also a codependent history behind that; 2) the reminder that people feel special when you ask them for help & they’re able to give it. 3) THIS!yes! “One of the things I’ve decided to practice in 2026 is letting go of control and allowing others to take care of me.” I get on my yoga mat every day and roll on a softball sized ball in my butt cheeks, the fascia/muscles where we hold control, my yoga therapist tells me. It’s not called ‘being a tight ass’ for nothing! And finally 4) thank you for introducing me to watsu. Will see if it’s offered in Barcelona.
Thank you for reading, Amy. What is the middle ground where we can have a fabulous tight ass but not be a tight ass? If your yoga teacher knows, I want in on the secret.
She would say, roll on the balls every day, breathe out control, breathe in acceptance!
I always have been the one that shows up to extinguish fires, but never the one to ask for help. That’s been a new thing for me too. Thank you for shedding light on the subject of bringing our guard down, trusting, and allowing help in.
Thank you for reading. It is a continuous learning process, isn't it? But it feels like an important one for me.
Thats a good one Liza, I think asking for help is hard for most people. Especially as we grow. The fear of rejection and disappointment is massive.
I have always helped more than I have asked for. I have held more than being held myself. When I was learning swimming in open water , My trainer said a great thing - Trust issues comes naturally to humans, but when you know what is the kind of help you need and you express exactly , let the right person help you.
That little pep talk in letting him help me I went from a non swimmer at 31 to Triathlon swimmer in open water by 32.
Its a longer arc and I still struggle, but i have learned to raise the hands in a maze a bit betyer. I know you will too.
Beautifully written. I think most people connected to this.
Wow, from non swimmer to triathlon swimmer in a year! How impressive. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for sharing your story Liza. Can you imagine the people watching you struggle with no vision within a maze, seeing you time and again wanting more information but refusing to ask for help. That’s an image I’ll keep in mind for myself.
Thank you for reading, Lisa. And yes, I think the leaders must have had a good laugh while looking at me refusing to ask for help
I think this is, sadly, very common. Especially among women. We’re raised to take care of everybody else coming to anticipate everyone else’s needs, and to feel “less than“ if we need help. For me, the biggest change was a life altering, challenging my life where I wound up being diagnosed with five different autoimmune disorders, and it was physically and mentally brought to my awareness that I simply could not do everything on my own anymore, and that I needed help in order to survive. Fortunately, I eventually recovered, shifted my life path, and became The Ingredient Guru, helping others with chronic health issues find holistic solutions. I’m sad that it took such a challenging situation for that awareness to develop. I am also grateful that awareness eventually developed.
Thank you for sharing about watsu. I had not heard of that. It sounds very interesting. There’s a float tank in our area and I wonder if they have any practitioners who offer that, I would be interested in trying it.
I am glad you’ve been able to learn how to ask for help, Mira and sorry it came with such a high price of illness.
On the watsu, unlike the floating tanks you experience by yourself (if I am correct), the watsu type aqua therapy is about trusting someone else to hold you in a way that is safe.
Love this Liza! As you know the tendency for many of us is to go it alone and because we don’t want to bother other people. But as you write, people are often happy to help Thank you for this reminder!
Thank you for reading, Yassir!
I’m so bad at asking for help !! I never do !! For 2 reasons , firstly, I don’t want to put anyone out ! Everyone I know is busy with their own lives/ families/ worries and stresses, I don’t want to impose on anyone. Secondly, I think they should offer , they know I’m a single bloody mum and have a hard stressful life for various reasons, (if they are good mates, they know my struggles) Ha! So I get angry ! On the odd occasion someone says to me , don’t forget to let me know if you need anything, I still never ask. ☹️
My mum offers help all the time, even when I don't need/want it (like a true high functioning co-dependent that she is). But I think we shouldn't expect people to offer...we need to be clear about what we want.
I agree, it’s a problem of mine ! But I do still expect people to and get really upset if they don’t 🤦🏻♀️
But if I had to the maze thing, I probably would be the first to ask for help.
Oh I spelled your Liza wrong, sorry, interesting learnings Liza! Sorry I always get a bit confused by s and z.
I am also not good at asking for help. And when I tried to learn this skill in my 30s I felt a lot of people around me pulled away. I think because I was the strong one in their minds and when I needed something it threatened an earlier social balance or power dynamic. I have noticed the friends who stick around are the ones I can ask help from. Interesting learning Lisa!
The floating thing seems v cool!
That resonates a lot Catriona, I think when people perceive us as strong and independent, they don't think we really mean it when we finally ask for help. Kind of a catch 22.
Yes and quite frustrating when it has taken a lot to try and reprogramme our thinking and ask for support!!
I guess the lesson is to keep asking until people realize we’re serious about the request. And give them time to adjust to a new version of ourselves
I don’t think that would work in the scenarios I was in, as most people I asked were very ill at ease with offering support and quick to offload or push back on requests.
Fair enough. And sad that it is so.
I've had watsu! They offer it once a week where I live in Spain, and it's wonderful. I emerged feeling like an astronaut afterwards, all space out and floaty. As I said in my restack of the snippet of your post, I'm not the best at asking for help, because I used to be the one who always helped. But since I've become mostly housebound, that has shifted massively. And yet I still try to manage, one way or another, and then collapse exhausted, and/or in a pain loop. I'm trying to get better at asking for help - and thank you @Daniel Puzzo for reaching out the other day about podcasting, because that is also part of the sort of help I'm asking for at the moment.
I'm quite stubborn I suppose, and I probably do expect people to read my mind. Also, I've been burned a few times by people I considered friends who snapped at me when I asked for help, because they knew the old, super fit, equestrian Francesca who could run around all day helping everyone else in freezing cold temperatures, and they don't understand how I can be so handicapped yet look normal.
I hope your migraines stay away. They are horrendous.
Love,
Cesca xx
Like Catriona said in her comment, when people are used to us being independent and helping ones, then they can't seem to handle us when we need help.
I am better at asking for help these days, but still far from good!
The other day I delegated the girls' dental appointments (making them and going) and felt so relieved!
PS: In my case, this is a part of it - my father is the king of asking, he has no filters. As in "I know you have two jobs and three kids, but could you please pick up my camera from the repair shop accross town, the one which closes at 5pm?" (in this case I said no, but that is also a skill I need to practice).
So it is not only that I don't want to risk being disappointed and that I am fiercely independent, it is also that I have a live example of the kind of burdensome person I don't want to be.
(also, as you mentioned leadership - I sometimes also suck at asking for help in my own team, from people that cannot say no!)
And does that lead to resentment?
Sometimes, yes.
(you are GOOD at asking the right questions)
I better be, that is what I have to do as a coach :-)
Maybe there is a middle ground between doing everything yourself and being like your father?
There absolutely is!
I wouldn’t say I’m afraid to ask for help, and it’s not something I approach intentionally or strategically. I have boundaries.
I learned how necessary they are from experience. I’m married to a Portuguese GP, and when his consultation room was once effectively part of our home, it became very clear that without firm boundaries, work and other people’s needs can expand endlessly.
Living rurally in northern Portugal has also made me more independent than I ever was in London. I take responsibility for my choices, and that includes not assuming others should carry them for me.
Some people have very high levels of need, and in those situations boundaries are essential. They are not a lack of compassion. They are what make relationships sustainable and reciprocal rather than exhausting or one-sided.
I have wonderful friends and family whom I trust deeply, and when I genuinely need help, I do ask. But I’m careful about when and how I do so, because asking always involves someone else’s time and emotional energy.
Hi Teresa, interesting points. I do sense you do take pride in not needing help. And that you only ask if you ‘genuinely’ need help. I feel the same, but I notice my interpretation of what is genuine need for help has been rather rigid and sometimes, by asking for help, I allow myself to seem more human to others.